This post is one that I am writing for your benefit, dear reader, but also for myself. At this point, my record for dates with one individual is TWO. Just a few weeks ago, I went on two dates with a nice (slightly awkward) kid and within three days of our second date, he had a girlfriend. I wish that was the first time that has happened, but it wasn’t, and I’m not entirely sure it will be the last. Obviously, I need help. Luckily, I have access to some awesome resources and information that I get to share with you. Buckle up. This is gonna be a fun one.
When we talk about love or dating, we often use passive verbs like “falling”. In actuality, dating shouldn’t be a passive process. We should be active, alert, and thoughtful because our mushy, fallible hearts can be misleading. Correct dating practices should follow a deliberate pattern.
For example, Successful Marriages and Families offers a set of five steps that relationships should follow.
If we break down each of the steps, the model starts to mean a little bit more.
Acquaintance (Step 1) looks like seeing someone attractive, who appears to have desirable qualities, and CONFRONTING them (which means asking them out). Why is that word in all caps, you might ask? Because the idea of asking someone out is terrifying to me. However, according to the book, that is the single most effective strategy to get someone to go on a date with you. I guess that means sneaking looks and being awkward is not the best way to send clear signals.
The transition between acquaintance and the buildup phase (Step 2) is the first date. This date shouldn’t be a “hang out”- it should be planned, paid for, and paid off, according to Dallin H. Oaks. For example, the best first date I went on was to a corn maze. It was so fun, and also gave me time to get to know my date.
After the first date is where we start to encounter some trouble with appropriate dating. It can be hard to navigate the transition from being “a thing” to dating to becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Therefore, I think it’s time to bring out the big guns. This next model is the BEST plan to follow when it comes to relationships, especially the build-up and continuation phases. It is called the Relationship Attachment Model and it was developed by John Van Epp.
Essentially, a healthy relationship requires knowledge about the other person, trust, reliance on them, commitment, and touch. However, each of the steps build upon each other. For example, it is important to know someone before you trust them, trust them before you rely on them, and so forth. Sometimes the attraction we feel with another individual might lead us to skip steps (generally escalating to touch before we even know someone or trust them). From personal experience, I know this often leads to heartbreak. So as silly as it may seem, follow the RAM because it will help protect you.
As you get more serious, it is vital that you spend time with the individual and get to know them in a variety of situations. See how he/she treats their family, their friends and even their waiters at restaurants. Learn about their values and their dreams for the future. Someone once told me that as you consider marrying someone, always ask yourself “Can I see myself parenting with them AND living with them forever?”
Most importantly, involve God in your dating practices. Pray to know whether you should continue dating them, and especially pray when it comes time to make the big decision. God loves each of us so much, and He will guide us.
Family Matters 