To start this post off, I am going to get a little more personal than usual. My dad and I have a complicated relationship. It wasn’t always this way. When I was younger, he and I were two peas in a pod. Every night, he would sit with me and read books; Les Mis, Anne of Green Gables, Harry Potter. He was my hero. However, when I was eleven, things changed. My parents separated due to unresolved issues I didn’t completely understand. For three years, they tried to work through things but eventually, they divorced.

I was pretty devastated. I felt betrayed by both parents and abandoned by my dad. The mistakes he had made during his marriage led me question our entire relationship. For years, I detested Father’s day because it reminded me of what had been lost between us. However, as I matured, I began to see the divorce in shades of grey instead of black and white. The memories from my childhood were again sweet rather than bitter. Today, I can see my dad as the man he is now rather than defining him by the mistakes he made in the past.

I am eternally grateful for the relationship I have with my dad. It was a hard fought battle to get us to where we are now, but I am so glad to have him in my life. Yet, the trials I experienced as a result of some of his choices are something I never want my children to go through. Therefore, the overarching question I plan to ask when I meet my future husband is “Will he be a good father?” In the next few paragraphs, I would like to discuss what makes a good father using the five P’s- preside, partner, be present, provide, and protect.

Preside: A father should be a leader within the home, especially when it comes to spiritual matters. For me, an example of a father who presided is showcased in the story of Alma and his son Corianton (Alma 39). Corianton had made some bad choices that some fathers might have considered too heinous to forgive. Instead of rejecting his son, Alma talked with him. He explained why Corianton’s behavior was sinful, and asked Corianton to repent. He was direct (no sugarcoating) but he was still kind. My favorite part of the story isn’t when Alma is chastising Corianton. Rather, it is immediately afterwards when Alma takes the opportunity to answer Corianton’s questions about Christ’ Atonement. Despite his disappointment in his son’s actions, he still considers his questions and concerns worthwhile. Fathers who, like Alma, preside in the home are fathers who are willing to teach and guide their children with love.

Partner: I am a big believer that the parent-child relationship is dependent on the quality of the husband/wife relationship. It is important that children have a stable environment, and if their parents are unified, that makes things much easier. Also, parenting is a pretty tough job sometimes. It is a blessing to have someone else in it with you who is putting in the same amount of effort. In addition, partnering means partnering with the child. This means being involved with, and connected to, the child.

Presence: This goes beyond just being present in the home (although that is important). Presence means being mentally there as well. For instance, even though one might have had a hard day at work, presence means coming home, putting that bad day aside, and playing a game with your children. It means supporting your children, and your wife. Your presence gives your children a sense of security and safety.

Provide: This can be a bit of a touchy subject in today’s world. I know many families in which the mother is the primary breadwinner, and I don’t think that is a bad thing. Providing doesn’t necessarily mean earning an income (although it often does). Rather, providing means taking care of one’s family and most importantly, meeting their needs (both temporally and spiritually). In cases where this doesn’t mean earning money, I would suggest praying about what it means for you personally.

Protect: I know I’ve said it a million times, but our world is kind of a scary place. However, dads are there to help protect us from the dangers of the world. For example, they can block pornography from our computers using filters. They can offer us support when we feel lost. For me, I think this is the most important duty of fathers. As I look for a husband, someone who can protect our family through his priesthood power is essential.

I would like to sign off with the words from a song the young children in my church often sing around Father’s Day. It is called “Daddy’s Homecoming”. I hope that the fathers in our lives live worthy of this kind of adoration from their children.

I’m so glad when daddy comes home

Glad as I can be

Clap my hands and shout for joy

Then climb upon his knee

Put my arms around his neck

Hug him tight like this

Pat his cheeks, then give him what?

A great big kiss.

Is anyone else terrified by the idea of raising children, or is it just me? Most days, I feel like I can barely take care of myself, let alone someone that is completely dependent on me for their needs.

However, I am also SO excited by the idea of having a kid. Last week I went back home to a family ward, and the place was literally crawling with babies. As I watched them crying, laughing, and cooing, I felt this deep desire to have one of my own. I think it is pretty amazing that our Heavenly Father trusts us to raise an innocent, helpless baby. I can’t think of a better way to prepare for our eternal destiny!

I’ve decided the best way to calm my fears is to trust my Heavenly Father. Thus far, He has guided every aspect of my life and I know parenting won’t be any different. In addition, I have this awesome opportunity to take classes about the family and educate myself. I hope that the things I have learned will also be beneficial to you, my patient reader.

This week, I learned several principles about parenting that I think are very helpful.

First, each child is born with a unique personality. Therefore, each child must be parented a little differently. That sounds a little stressful to me. I like to have a plan, and I like to stick to that plan. If I stop and really think about it though, I realize that life isn’t ever that easy. Part of the challenge (and the fun of it all) is learning and growing as we go.

For example, my siblings and I are very different from each other. We struggle with weaknesses that are unique to us, and our parents have changed their approach based on each situation. Let’s say, for instance, that I get angry at my parents. My personality is to say something very harsh, and then feel immediately guilty. My parents tend to give me a few minutes and then I come around, usually crying. My sister, on the other hand, needs a few hours to cool down before apologizing. In either situation, my parents let us come apologize on our own time.

Secondly, treat children with love and respect. I took a Parenting class last year, and something my teacher said really stuck out to me. He said that children are just as much of a person as we are. When they start crying over spilled milk, their feelings are just as valid as an adult’s tears. In that same way, they need love just as much (in fact, more) than we do. They need that unconditional love and acceptance to grow and develop. I think it is very worthwhile to find out how your child best receives love. For instance, kind words are very important to me. My dad recognized this, so he would write me kind little notes when I was little. I will forever cherish them.

Thirdly, set limits. In Successful Marriages and Families, these limits were called “a safety net”. I believe that is true because limits can be protective in nature. My parents taught me from a young age that there was a right and a wrong. They also taught me that I had control over my actions. I knew that when I chose to disobey, I would receive a consequence. Sometimes, that consequence was just the natural result of my actions, like getting a sunburn when I refused to wear sunscreen. In other cases, the consequences were imposed by my parents, like getting sent to time-out when I knocked my 3-year-old brother’s tooth out (OOOPS).

A word of warning: At times, we might be tempted to punish our children out of frustration. Before making any rash decisions, we should try to empathize with them. As parents, we must be vigilant and aware of their needs. For instance, did our teenage daughter stay out past curfew because she is a snot or because she has a deep desire to be accepted by her peers? Is our son throwing food because he is just mean-spirited or because he is exhausted? If we try to put ourselves in their position, we are more inclined to treat them with the kindness they deserve. I LOVE this video, which puts it way better than I ever could.

Fourthly, give children freedom. As tempting as it is to keep children in a locked box and throw away the key in order to protect them, they deserve to exercise their ability to choose. We can trust that if we instill correct teachings in their hearts, they are more inclined to make correct decisions.

I know this from personal experience. When I was sixteen, I became very frustrated with everyone around me and with God. I acted out in destructive ways, from screaming to swearing to refusing to go to Church. My parents did their best to get me back on the path, but I was pretty stubborn. None of the punishments they gave me were enough to keep me from rebelling. Luckily, from a young age, my mom and dad had read scriptures with us, prayed with us, and taken us to church. Although I did not want to accept the gospel at that particular time, I knew in my heart what was right. Eventually, because of the testimony they had fostered in me from the beginning, I returned to the fold.

I know without a doubt that God takes the efforts of righteous parents and multiplies them. Regardless of the choices our children might make, regardless of the evil running rampant throughout the world, we can feel peace and know that He is with us.