Is anyone else terrified by the idea of raising children, or is it just me? Most days, I feel like I can barely take care of myself, let alone someone that is completely dependent on me for their needs.
However, I am also SO excited by the idea of having a kid. Last week I went back home to a family ward, and the place was literally crawling with babies. As I watched them crying, laughing, and cooing, I felt this deep desire to have one of my own. I think it is pretty amazing that our Heavenly Father trusts us to raise an innocent, helpless baby. I can’t think of a better way to prepare for our eternal destiny!
I’ve decided the best way to calm my fears is to trust my Heavenly Father. Thus far, He has guided every aspect of my life and I know parenting won’t be any different. In addition, I have this awesome opportunity to take classes about the family and educate myself. I hope that the things I have learned will also be beneficial to you, my patient reader.
This week, I learned several principles about parenting that I think are very helpful.
First, each child is born with a unique personality. Therefore, each child must be parented a little differently. That sounds a little stressful to me. I like to have a plan, and I like to stick to that plan. If I stop and really think about it though, I realize that life isn’t ever that easy. Part of the challenge (and the fun of it all) is learning and growing as we go.
For example, my siblings and I are very different from each other. We struggle with weaknesses that are unique to us, and our parents have changed their approach based on each situation. Let’s say, for instance, that I get angry at my parents. My personality is to say something very harsh, and then feel immediately guilty. My parents tend to give me a few minutes and then I come around, usually crying. My sister, on the other hand, needs a few hours to cool down before apologizing. In either situation, my parents let us come apologize on our own time.
Secondly, treat children with love and respect. I took a Parenting class last year, and something my teacher said really stuck out to me. He said that children are just as much of a person as we are. When they start crying over spilled milk, their feelings are just as valid as an adult’s tears. In that same way, they need love just as much (in fact, more) than we do. They need that unconditional love and acceptance to grow and develop. I think it is very worthwhile to find out how your child best receives love. For instance, kind words are very important to me. My dad recognized this, so he would write me kind little notes when I was little. I will forever cherish them.
Thirdly, set limits. In Successful Marriages and Families, these limits were called “a safety net”. I believe that is true because limits can be protective in nature. My parents taught me from a young age that there was a right and a wrong. They also taught me that I had control over my actions. I knew that when I chose to disobey, I would receive a consequence. Sometimes, that consequence was just the natural result of my actions, like getting a sunburn when I refused to wear sunscreen. In other cases, the consequences were imposed by my parents, like getting sent to time-out when I knocked my 3-year-old brother’s tooth out (OOOPS).
A word of warning: At times, we might be tempted to punish our children out of frustration. Before making any rash decisions, we should try to empathize with them. As parents, we must be vigilant and aware of their needs. For instance, did our teenage daughter stay out past curfew because she is a snot or because she has a deep desire to be accepted by her peers? Is our son throwing food because he is just mean-spirited or because he is exhausted? If we try to put ourselves in their position, we are more inclined to treat them with the kindness they deserve. I LOVE this video, which puts it way better than I ever could.
Fourthly, give children freedom. As tempting as it is to keep children in a locked box and throw away the key in order to protect them, they deserve to exercise their ability to choose. We can trust that if we instill correct teachings in their hearts, they are more inclined to make correct decisions.
I know this from personal experience. When I was sixteen, I became very frustrated with everyone around me and with God. I acted out in destructive ways, from screaming to swearing to refusing to go to Church. My parents did their best to get me back on the path, but I was pretty stubborn. None of the punishments they gave me were enough to keep me from rebelling. Luckily, from a young age, my mom and dad had read scriptures with us, prayed with us, and taken us to church. Although I did not want to accept the gospel at that particular time, I knew in my heart what was right. Eventually, because of the testimony they had fostered in me from the beginning, I returned to the fold.
I know without a doubt that God takes the efforts of righteous parents and multiplies them. Regardless of the choices our children might make, regardless of the evil running rampant throughout the world, we can feel peace and know that He is with us.
Family Matters 