Deliberate Dating

This post is one that I am writing for your benefit, dear reader, but also for myself. At this point, my record for dates with one individual is TWO. Just a few weeks ago, I went on two dates with a nice (slightly awkward) kid and within three days of our second date, he had a girlfriend. I wish that was the first time that has happened, but it wasn’t, and I’m not entirely sure it will be the last. Obviously, I need help. Luckily, I have access to some awesome resources and information that I get to share with you. Buckle up. This is gonna be a fun one.

When we talk about love or dating, we often use passive verbs like “falling”. In actuality, dating shouldn’t be a passive process. We should be active, alert, and thoughtful because our mushy, fallible hearts can be misleading. Correct dating practices should follow a deliberate pattern.

For example, Successful Marriages and Families offers a set of five steps that relationships should follow.

Image result for george levinger relationship model — I would like to point out that the goal is to find someone with whom we can stop at step 3.

If we break down each of the steps, the model starts to mean a little bit more.

Acquaintance (Step 1) looks like seeing someone attractive, who appears to have desirable qualities, and CONFRONTING them (which means asking them out). Why is that word in all caps, you might ask? Because the idea of asking someone out is terrifying to me. However, according to the book, that is the single most effective strategy to get someone to go on a date with you. I guess that means sneaking looks and being awkward is not the best way to send clear signals.

The transition between acquaintance and the buildup phase (Step 2) is the first date. This date shouldn’t be a “hang out”- it should be planned, paid for, and paid off, according to Dallin H. Oaks. For example, the best first date I went on was to a corn maze. It was so fun, and also gave me time to get to know my date.

After the first date is where we start to encounter some trouble with appropriate dating. It can be hard to navigate the transition from being “a thing” to dating to becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Therefore, I think it’s time to bring out the big guns. This next model is the BEST plan to follow when it comes to relationships, especially the build-up and continuation phases. It is called the Relationship Attachment Model and it was developed by John Van Epp.

Essentially, a healthy relationship requires knowledge about the other person, trust, reliance on them, commitment, and touch. However, each of the steps build upon each other. For example, it is important to know someone before you trust them, trust them before you rely on them, and so forth. Sometimes the attraction we feel with another individual might lead us to skip steps (generally escalating to touch before we even know someone or trust them). From personal experience, I know this often leads to heartbreak. So as silly as it may seem, follow the RAM because it will help protect you.

As you get more serious, it is vital that you spend time with the individual and get to know them in a variety of situations. See how he/she treats their family, their friends and even their waiters at restaurants. Learn about their values and their dreams for the future. Someone once told me that as you consider marrying someone, always ask yourself “Can I see myself parenting with them AND living with them forever?”

Most importantly, involve God in your dating practices. Pray to know whether you should continue dating them, and especially pray when it comes time to make the big decision. God loves each of us so much, and He will guide us.

How Do I Find The One?

I was raised on a steady diet of Disney movies, which might have given me some unrealistic expectations of how I would meet my future husband. I mean, Cinderella met Prince Charming in a beautiful ballgown at a ball, and he fell madly in love with her immediately.

Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) met Prince Phillip in a gorgeous forest where he starts singing some song about how she is *literally* the girl of his dreams.

Eric falls in love with Ariel EVEN THOUGH SHE CAN’T SAY A SINGLE WORD AND DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO USE A FORK.

Obviously, I am not a Disney princess and think I am safe to assume that you aren’t either. So, what’s a girl to do since we don’t have magic, sidekicks, or perfect hair?

I think one of the most important things we can do is become the kind of person we want to be with. I mentioned this in a previous blog post, but I don’t think it can be said enough. We live in an individualistic society where many people go into relationships with a long list of expectations, and if those expectations are not met, they leave. That leads to a whole lot of broken hearts and broken dreams. However, if we seek to become complete, happy individuals on our own, we are that much more prepared to support someone else. In Successful Marriages and Families, several important traits to develop are listed. These include an ability to love (which requires confidence in oneself as well as an awareness and appreciation for others) and the ability to communicate effectively through listening and clearly explaining oneself. I firmly believe that like attracts like. So, if you want to marry someone who can make you cry from laughter, read up on some jokes! If you want to marry someone smart, do some reading.
Discourage hanging out. I absolutely love Elder Dallin H. Oak’s perspective on this. He says, “My single young friends, we counsel you to channel your associations with the opposite sex into dating patterns that have the potential to mature into marriage, not hanging-out patterns that only have the prospect to mature into team sports like touch football.” That is pretty clear! Rather than hanging out, encourage actual dates.
Don’t put too much pressure on first dates. Up until I had taken a few family classes, my main question when going on a first date was, “Can I see myself marrying this person?” However, through some awesome professors, I have learned that the first date is a wonderful opportunity to get to know someone and that is that. There shouldn’t be a huge amount of pressure attached to the date. One of my friends says that after going on a first date, she asks herself, “Is this someone I would like to get to know better?” If her answer is yes, she agrees to a second date. If we follow this pattern, we avoid turning down opportunities simply based on first impressions or a desire to find the one and only. I have so many friends who met their spouses through developing a good friendship, even if there wasn’t a ton of chemistry at the beginning.
Be brave. This is something I struggle with. I’m not exactly overflowing with self-confidence, so it is hard for me to “make the first move” or even to make half of a move. I am too afraid of rejection. However, in a day and age where boys are asking girls out less and less, sometimes we have to take the initiative. Just remember what I mentioned before- a first date is just a date. We aren’t asking them to marry us. We are simply confronting the situation rather than standing idly by and waiting for our prince to come. If that means flirting a little bit, or even asking them out, so be it!
Have faith. Always remember that you are a beloved child of God. He has a plan for you that is WAY better than your plan for yourself. He has promised that each of us will have the opportunity to receive ALL the blessings if we choose the right and keep our covenants. Dating might seem impossible right now, but Heavenly Father will provide away as long as each of us are willing to put in the work.

The Soul-mate Sham

At least once a year in Young Women’s, there would be a lesson about preparing for marriage. Every time, our leaders would pass out pretty stationary and ask us to list the traits we wanted in a husband. My list got longer each passing year and included deep thoughts like “abs” and “hates country music as much as I do”. I was convinced that there was a special person (who possessed all of these qualities, plus more) out there for me, just like I had seen in chick flicks. I would bump into him in a crowded room, our eyes would meet, and that would be that.

When I felt inspired to attend BYU-Idaho (even though it wasn’t my first, or even second, choice) I was sure it was because this was where HE was. Every date I went on, I waited for that magic moment, only to be disappointed over and over again. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. Was God punishing me? Was marriage just not in the cards?

During my third semester at school, I took a class on preparing for marriage. My teacher said something that hit me like a ton of bricks. He asked us if we believed in soul mates. and many unassuming, innocent souls like myself raised our hands. He then projected this quote onto the board.

“Soul mates” are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.
Spencer W. Kimball

Wow. At first, I felt frustrated by this declaration. It was like all my dreams of romance died in front of me. No soul mates? Then who in the world was I supposed to marry? Then I thought about the wonderful people I knew who had lost spouses and then re-married other amazing individuals. Prophet Russell M. Nelson came to mind, for example. Perhaps I had been too hasty in my initial judgment of the idea.

As I have learned more about the concept of soul mates, I have gained a deeper understanding for why it is inherently false. I love this image from a New Era article.

The caption reads: “Also known as the One-and-Only. A particular person of the opposite sex you are meant to be with. Where it lives: Out-There-Somewhere. What it feeds on: Deferred happiness, unrealistic expectations”

Today, the traits I want in a future spouse are much different than they were when I was in Young Women’s. I’m not looking for a perfect person that I was predestined to find. Instead, I am looking for someone kind, someone honest, someone who loves God. And most of all, I am working to become that kind of person myself.