Forgiving the Unforgivable

I’d like to dedicate this post to those of us who are struggling to forgive someone in our family. This topic is very important to me because I have a personal connection to the subject. In the life of someone very close to me, I have seen how refusing to forgive has robbed her of happiness. To start, I’d like to share a little bit of that story, without betraying any confidences by sharing her name. For our purposes, let’s call her “Melinda”.

Melinda was married in the temple to someone she believed was a worthy priesthood holder. She had three children with him, and was married for fifteen years. However, twelve years into their marriage, she discovered that her husband had a pornography addiction that he had hid since the beginning of their marriage. She was understandably hurt and betrayed, but she wanted to make things work. For three years, she tried to help him through the recovery process, but eventually things reached a breaking point. She filed for divorce.

I wish that was the end of the sad part of the story, but it isn’t. Melinda’s pain turned into a deep, seething anger. For years, she harbored resentment towards her ex-husband, and towards anyone who loved him. After a while, that anger even began to affect her physical health and mobility. As someone who loves Melinda, this was incredibly painful to watch. Her anger changed her to the point that she was no longer the woman I remembered.

I think most of us can understand why Melinda was hurt by her husband’s actions. Those feelings were valid. However, somewhere along the way, things went really wrong. To understand why, and to better grasp the concepts of forgiveness and repentance, let’s break this story down a little bit by looking at it alongside the factors associated with forgiveness.

1. Situational factors: These include how much harm was intended, how often the offense was repeated, what the consequences of that offense was, whether those consequences were remedied, and whether the offender apologized. In Melinda’s case, the offense was repeated very often and had drastic consequences that couldn’t be remedied by the person who hurt her.
2. Relational factors: These include who the offender was, their relationship with the person they hurt, their attitude, and the environment. In Melinda’s case, she was hurt by the person she was supposed to trust most in the world: her husband.
3. Personality factors: This means how inclined the victim is to forgive based on their personality. For example, Melinda had a ruminating personality that made it hard for her to forgive even the slightest offenses.

As one can clearly see, there was a perfect storm of factors that made forgiveness difficult. Yet, the purpose of this post is to show you that forgiveness and repentance are always possible, regardless of the circumstances. These virtues have the ability to bring peace in situations where peace may seem impossible.

In many cases, forgiveness comes after an apology that acknowledges the offense, expresses regret, offers restitution, and promises not to repeat the offense. In addition, in an affective apology, the offender also repents of their sin by recognizing their wrongdoing, feeling sorrow due to their sin, forsaking the sin, confessing it, and righting the wrong. But that’s the ideal situation, right? How many times does someone do something truly awful without following the repentance OR the apology steps??

How do we forgive in those situations? How do we develop empathy for someone who is unwilling to empathize with us? How do we release our anger without any restitution or remorse on the part of our offender?

According to Successful Marriages and Families, there are five steps to follow when forgiving someone.

1. We acknowledge and remember the pain we felt. In Melinda’s situation, that would mean revisiting a very painful time in her life. This is an uncomfortable, but essential, starting point.
2. Empathize with the offender. For instance, Melinda would have to acknowledge the pain from her husband’s childhood that contributed to his unhealthy coping mechanisms. She would have to feel pain for him and all that he lost as a result of his choices.
3. Share the offense with someone we trust. Although it might be hard to open up, this helps the victim (like Melinda) break through feelings of confusion or shame.
4. Create boundaries to protect themselves from future harm. For example, just because Melinda forgives her ex doesn’t mean she should spend a bunch of time with him.
5. Lastly, we find ways to achieve restitution, even if that doesn’t involve the offender. For example, Melinda might begin a new hobby or start a new job. Essentially, she should look for ways to fill her life with joy.

As we choose to forgive loved ones who may have wronged us, our burden will be lifted. We will have the opportunity to find joy in new life experiences. As I learned about this subject this week, I realized that there are members of my family who I need to forgive in order to be a happier, better person. I hope that all of us can begin the forgiveness process. I’m going to sign off, but before I do, here is a short video with a woman who exemplifies forgiveness in her family.